Noble Profession I: Mother

The first profession I'd like to consider is that of mother, because the themes explored will carry through the discussion of many other professions. I had the advantage of a stay-at-home mom, who was indeed such a successful mother that I think my parents should consider becoming foster parents. I certainly saw being a mother, especially to multiple children, is a full-time job. Our health, happiness, self-assurance and academic success can be directly linked to our mother being home for us. The toughest years for my siblings were years when my mother worked part-time. I also the great advantage I held over classmates whose mother's worked, or whose parents were divorced. So I strongly feel that if possible, I should stay at home for children if I have them.

But being a full time mother doesn't interest me for many reasons. The constant running around, the fighting with irrational beings, the lack of intelligent discourse, the bad daytime television, and hatred of household chores are all good reasons not to be a stay-at-home mom. But the greatest reason I cannot desire to be a stay-at-home mom is because it values the child's life over my own. It puts greater importance upon their education and success than the mother's own life.

Recently, an undergrad I work with told me about a conversation he had with his mother on the related child-raising topic. His mother is already bothering him about finding the right girl to settle down with and have children. When he told his mother that he didn't think he wanted to have children, his mother broke out the old "but what if your children cure cancer?" argument. His rather predictable, yet nonetheless withering reply was, "but what if your child is the one that does it?"

I have to much respect and regard for myself (that's the nice way of saying that I'm selfish) to devote my life solely to other people. Clearly this will have a big impact upon what noble profession I can choose.

With regards to having children, it is too complicated an issue for me to know my own mind. If I want a career, and I want a husband with a traditional (not stay-at-home) career who is possibly even more financially successful than I, I also do not want to be such a selfish parent that I drag my child around the world behind me, or abandon them to the care of others as so often occurs in literature.

Love Is Love

This past Saturday night the local news came on with a story about invitations to a concert at Denison college having a noose on them while exhorting students to come to a Halloween event by saying, "Come hang with us". It all seemed a bit silly to get riled up over, but apparently multiple tolerance focused groups on the Denison campus took action, so the newscasters interviewed them. One student, the mohawked president of an anti-hate group was putting up signs in opposition; the signs were hand-drawn in pink marker and said "Love is Love" with hearts around them. I started to laugh and describe what was on TV to my roommate who was in the kitchen.

She didn't understand why I was laughing- and thought that the "Love is Love" message was a good one no matter what.

Now I still think that it was amusingly stupid and pointless, but part of me feels like maybe I'm not as wholesome or innocent or optimistic as I used to be, and possibly as I want to be. Or am I just too smart? If the sign had said something of actual meaning, even as dumb as "Love, Don't Hate" would I have laughed? Apparently yes, as I giggled as I typed that.

In the end, I think some people are too uptight (the ones that were upset by the invitation), some are too upright (the ones that put up the love posters) and some cynics have just enough of a sense of humor to make it through the world smiling.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Christmas Plans: Part II

I was looking at the LA Times today regarding the wildfires there, and then chanced upon some great articles about Hawaii. There were descriptions of Hawaiian specialties and, even better, good cheap meals on Oahu. My grandparents are there and have invited me for the holidays, but I will be there for work in mid December. Hopefully that will be enough for enjoying the yummy food I read about today.

None of these sound like the red cabbage, mashed potatoes or pfefferneuse I'll be craving in December.

A Selfish Theory of Parenting

For a long time I have viewed my own desires to parent in the future skeptically; I am a highly educated, competitive person and I there will always be some aspect of child rearing that will be trying to make a more perfect child. I had amazing, loving parents and I would want to provide for my future children a similarly idyllic childhood. I would also want to educate my children to sports, culture, literature and music.

Last night another aspect of this acculturation became clear to me as a motive for parenting: one can raise their children to love what they love. No matter how much a person can share with a lover or a spouse, there will always be something that you disagree on: video games, horror movies, or 80s music. And it seems so much like cheating to make a strong connection with another person, of any sex. So we have children to share our loves with them. And by sharing our love with them our love grows for them.

This became clear to me last night watching the amazingly fantastic film Stardust based upon a tale of the same name by the author Neil Gaiman. I don't know why I took so long to watch it - I saw at it the dollar theatre - because it was precisely the movie I needed to see. I loved cameos by Ricky Gervais and Dexter Fletcher, and the narration by Ian McKellen. But mostly I loved it for it's spirit and whimsy; it is a fairy tale, this decade's Princess Bride. And as I sat, transported, unable to move (although I had a very full bladder) I realized that although I wanted everyone I knew to see this movie, I also wanted to hide it away from them, to make sure that I wouldn't have to face the disappointment of someone else merely liking, or enjoying or appreciating Stardust. (Can anything be so insulting as being appreciated?) And so for the first time in my life I desperately wanted to have a child to show this movie to - to read the story to - or to tell the story aloud as a bedtime story to.

After I got out of the film I realized that I really wanted the opportunity to introduce a child of mine to the joys of strawberry shortcake, the music of Josh Ritter and a myriad of other delights. If only this didn't require nine months of eight gain and moodiness and 18+ years of worry and responsibility.

A Noble Profession

When I envisioned my future as a child, I always thought that I couldn't settle for a job, or a career, but a profession. For this purpose, my definition of a profession is a little more specific than that of common parlance. I mean a paid position that defines a person's life, their skills, values and passions; it doesn't just pay the bills. Such occupations include priest, soldier, professional athlete and rock star. When you meet someone with a profession, you are instantly clued into the very nature of a person, in a way you can never discern the depths of a banker, or human resources staffer. But even more importantly, many of these professions have an essential nobility- a goal of making the world a better place, in whatever way one describes 'better'.

I have led an advantaged life and given all the proverbial giants' whose shoulders I've stood upon, I want to make a mark upon the world. Classmates and peers of mine had similar dreams, but not many of us seem to have realized them yet. In fact, I feel the need to pick on a representative of my compatriots that I am disappointed in, Chelsea Clinton. In an article in Talk Magazine in 2001 (much discussed online, but I can't find a copy of the original), when she was starting graduate work at Oxford, Chelsea wrote about her feelings towards September 11, being an American abroad, and the swelling sentiment of her, my, generation - wanting to improve the world. But as a recent New York Times article points out, she worked for McKinsey and now works for a hedge fund; her charity work focuses upon ballet. None of these represent the noble intentions Chelsea professed to have. And friends of mine from college have done the same thing, arguing that they can make money to give away to charities. But no amount of money can make up for how much we/they buy into the status quo every day with jobs supporting big business. (Digressions could go here regarding the nuanced matters of business and when it is good or bad, or how much the rest of us by purchasing gas or groceries from major chains aren't doing any better.....) So if I state a desire to do more, I can't settle for an interesting, lucrative job, even if it is temporary. (Although all evidence points to this being the best way to get ahead in the do-good industries too- you can quickly earn enough money to take a pay-cut while gaining the experience and connections necessary to succeed in more lofty work. The Clinton Foundation, with work more ambitious than Chelsea's, poaches most employees from the consulting sector according to the Atlantic.) A few caveats: if one doesn't hold or state these exalted beliefs, one has a complete right to a high-paying, exciting, career - especially if one has had to face barriers greater than anything I've ever encountered. It's just hypocrites that annoy me.

So now I have to pick my profession. After presenting these ridiculously high standards, I have a tough job ahead of me. But, to be honest, I'm tired of typing tonight, so we'll just have to wait for another day.

I Want Everything; I Want Nothing

This week I feel the need to skip a little head in my logical discussion of my future to discuss my current quandary: I don't know what I want. Now for some or even most people this may be a standard state of affairs, but I am generally accustomed to knowing my mind. Indeed I have found it difficult to relate to friends and family who haven't seemed to know their minds.

But now I am in their shoes. I don't know if I want to continue in physics, or in what field of physics, or the best course to take to get where I want to be in 20 years if I stay in physics. And I don't know if I want to do all this if I am only a mediocre physicist and would work at a lower tier university. Going for academic positions at some level requires you to take what you can get, and I'm not sure I want to have to settle for a town or a university where I don't want to be. The whole academic thing becomes even more complicated if I try to figure out how a romantic relationship would fit in. Would I let myself follow and get a job on the coattails of someone else? Because I am a female in physics and via affirmative action a little in demand, would I make someone else follow me? Could I take being separated long term? Could I raise children as interactively as I would want to if I also want to be a successful, traveling scientist? Would I want a husband/partner to be more involved in their upbringing than me?

Of course, I could change tack and do something else: try to work in governmental science policy, or make money as a consultant/trader/banker. I could even try my hand at writing. Or go to school for something else. I would like to earn more money than my parents have, since I was given every advantage available I would like to be able to provide the same for my (possible) future children. There is something incredibly seductive about being more engaged with the world than sitting in an ivory tower. Or what if I just have an interregnum in my academic career and take some time to teach physics in a developing country through the Peace Corps?

All of these sound like good ideas to me, but that's all they sound like currently. No of them gives me the gut feeling that it is what's right. So do I keep searching for that feeling? When nothing is so perfect it is difficult to work towards any of these goals. So I'll get my Ph.D. And then what? I want to do all of these things, but not one of them is exactly what I want. If I look back on my life when I'm 65 I won't regret having done any of these things, nor will I regret not having done any of them.

This indecision is wearing away at me day by day. I have internal debates, debates with friends, and I scour the internet for new options. I hate the apathy and dejection that accompanies these doldrums. Why can't I just learn to take my future as it comes?

Christmas Plans

This year, my family is heading to Panama for Christmas, and I get to decide if I am joining them, or perhaps spending Christmas with other extended family or friends. And the decision of where to go is tough, and I am finding it difficult to make an objective decision. Until I saw an article recently about Panama, and I decided I would use what I could find in the news to choose a Christmas locale. This article in the NY Times describes the man who first noticed that poisonous diethylene glycol was in toothpaste, and went to great pains to notify the health authorities. But I can't decide if this bodes well or not for Panama. There is at least one conscientious man living there, but do I want to visit a country where the toothpaste is illegally imported from China and has anti-freeze in it?

Be Good. Be Nice.

There is no avoiding the juvenile, simplistic words available to express the maxims I want to follow. I want to be a good person, and I want to be a nice person. When an acquaintance is asked about me I want the first adjective they describe me with to be "good" (Although I wouldn't argue with fun or smart or some such thing. "Nice" though seems like a cop out on the part of my describer.)

But being good seems tough. It is about being selfless and going out of one's way for family, friends, neighbors, and really all people everywhere. But of course you also have to care for the environment and animals everywhere.

And it wouldn't really do to be someone fighting for justice, peace and alternative fuels if you were a disrespectful, stuck-up jerk: so one should be nice too.

But how good should a person be? Is trying a little bit with everything enough? Is devoting oneself to one goal enough? From the media here's what I think is expected of me (from the broad list above):

For friends and family:
cook, drive, call, and write when needed
visit when possible
listen, listen, listen

Neighbors:
meet one's actual neighbors
donate time and money to charities that make a difference serving the poor, homeless, and disaster afflicted
stay informed about local affairs
participate in local politics
care about the schools and education

All people:
donate time and money to charities that make a difference serving the poor, homeless, and disaster afflicted possibly including joining the Peace Corps or something like it
stay informed on national and international affairs
work tirelessly to change American politics to be a positive force in the world
support only those corporations that treat people around the world with respect and that only work with governments that treat their citizens with respect
learn other languages and meet people from other cultures

The environment:
recycle
reduce energy consumption generally and stop driving a car just for me on fossil fuels
only support corporations that protect the environment
give time and money to charities working to preserve or restore the environment
buy local produce

Animals:
give money and time to protect animals' habitats
adopt abandoned pets
become a vegan
if not a vegan, buy local and/or organic meats etc.

And apparently I am just too selfish to do all this. And maybe even worse, I haven't gone down the path of any of these prescriptions very far because I don't want to go about anything half-assed. One has to think that better is better than nothing on one's way to being good.

Yet at some point, things have to be so bad that they require extreme action. If a friend or family member were so ill that I should take time off to help them, could I?
If my neighbors are being evicted because of subprime lending shouldn't I take a stand? When the US is prosecuting an unjust war, trampling constitutional rights, and abandoning the poor for the sake of the wealthy, shouldn't some change be made to one's day-to-day life to effect a change? If the Burmese can stand up, can't we? Or will take another 25 years for things to reach a boiling point?

And if things are not yet at such a point, can you still work for the American economic machine all day and "be good" by night? And how much time or money are expected from you as a poor graduate student?

I know that I can often be too academic about these things, dragging my feet to overthink when action is what is called for. Is the idea of going on strike, as posited by Garret Keizer in the most recent Harper's an idea that needs to be debated or deconstructed, or simply adopted?

The question of goodness is one that dogs my short- and long-term plans. I have been given so many advantages in my life that I feel obligated to to give of myself. I just haven't figured out what I want to give myself to.

Why have I succumbed to blogging fever?

With a lot of hard work and a lot of luck, I hope to have my Ph.D. in Physics in about a year -- which means that I have about a year to figure out what direction to steer myself in for the next phase of my life. ( Is it too literary to say chapter, and will only physicists and chemists understand my reluctance to use phase, and thus reference my phase transition?) Since I have always found it much more pleasant to fret over the more distant future instead of my immediate present, I have put a lot of time into thinking about what kind of life I want to lead and what type of person I want to be. And these are thoughts that need to be engaged, argued over and contemplated. Unfortunately, they are also not things that come up often in conversation over a few beers/or if they do, my drinking companions do not seem prepared to invest these discussions with the importance I want them to have.

The Assumptions

There is such a thing as a good person, and there is such a thing as success. But there are really multiple definitions of these things, and we have to figure out them out for ourselves..... and yet they are not entirely subjective. It is worth treating life like what we do matters. I am almost tempted to read Alan Alda's book on these same questions that has been touted on NPR for the last week.

Beyond the Depths

Now while I attempt to puzzle out, for lack of a better phrase, the meaning of life, there will be alot of inanity along the way. This blog will also be my chance to discuss all the New York Times articles I could ever want to discuss (and protect my co-workers from their constant mention), discuss politics, arts and literature, and just maybe, a little bit of physics.