This week I feel the need to skip a little head in my logical discussion of my future to discuss my current quandary: I don't know what I want. Now for some or even most people this may be a standard state of affairs, but I am generally accustomed to knowing my mind. Indeed I have found it difficult to relate to friends and family who haven't seemed to know their minds.
But now I am in their shoes. I don't know if I want to continue in physics, or in what field of physics, or the best course to take to get where I want to be in 20 years if I stay in physics. And I don't know if I want to do all this if I am only a mediocre physicist and would work at a lower tier university. Going for academic positions at some level requires you to take what you can get, and I'm not sure I want to have to settle for a town or a university where I don't want to be. The whole academic thing becomes even more complicated if I try to figure out how a romantic relationship would fit in. Would I let myself follow and get a job on the coattails of someone else? Because I am a female in physics and via affirmative action a little in demand, would I make someone else follow me? Could I take being separated long term? Could I raise children as interactively as I would want to if I also want to be a successful, traveling scientist? Would I want a husband/partner to be more involved in their upbringing than me?
Of course, I could change tack and do something else: try to work in governmental science policy, or make money as a consultant/trader/banker. I could even try my hand at writing. Or go to school for something else. I would like to earn more money than my parents have, since I was given every advantage available I would like to be able to provide the same for my (possible) future children. There is something incredibly seductive about being more engaged with the world than sitting in an ivory tower. Or what if I just have an interregnum in my academic career and take some time to teach physics in a developing country through the Peace Corps?
All of these sound like good ideas to me, but that's all they sound like currently. No of them gives me the gut feeling that it is what's right. So do I keep searching for that feeling? When nothing is so perfect it is difficult to work towards any of these goals. So I'll get my Ph.D. And then what? I want to do all of these things, but not one of them is exactly what I want. If I look back on my life when I'm 65 I won't regret having done any of these things, nor will I regret not having done any of them.
This indecision is wearing away at me day by day. I have internal debates, debates with friends, and I scour the internet for new options. I hate the apathy and dejection that accompanies these doldrums. Why can't I just learn to take my future as it comes?
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1 comment:
I don't know what I want either, lately. I know what I'm good at, but the older I get the more I see that (good at X != X is good for me.)
Anywhoo, if you need another ear to talk to, I'm around and I can certainly relate. My # is still the Pittsburgh-area-code number from way back when.
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